October 8th is a day I will never forget. It's not the day I gave birth; it's the day I fell at work...on my pregnant belly. Immediately the terror, fear, and guilt set in. I felt the baby moving rapidly for about three minutes and then nothing. Complete radio silence. They rushed me down to ER and my right ankle was casted. I was then sent to OB and placed on a monitor, where I began having contractions. On November 10 my son was born via emergency c-section at 32 weeks.
There was no time to excitedly pack our hospital bag or make the eagerly anticipated "It's time!" announcement to our family and friends. Birth plan: HA! What's that?! The entire situation was terrifying and difficult to cope with, but the one saving grace was knowing that our son was in excellent hands when we had to say, "See you later," each night as we left the NICU over the next 28 days.
As I was still in a wheelchair with a boot due to my injury, I relied on rides to/from the hospital 3x per day. I never missed rounds. I never missed a day/night. What I did miss was the experience of being wheeled out with my baby, balloons, and flowers. It tore a little piece of my heart waiting in the vestibule for my rides each day; watching all the other new "normal" mommies being wheeled out, dads nervously pulling the car around, and the families driving off together towards happiness. I cried. Every single time, I cried. I felt as though my body had failed me. Not once, but twice: Once with the fall and the second time with the early labor. I began to doubt the silliest things. Things I've done a million times over. Did I know how to change a baby's diaper? Bathe him? Dress him? Feed him? Hold him? I doubted myself as a mother and nothing has ever hurt so much.
Then Laura came into our lives and gave me hope that everything was going to be okay. She wasn't our NICU RN until the last week or so, but she has left a lasting impression on me and our family. She told me I was a good mom. She told me I knew what was best for my baby. She told me that my body did what it needed to do to protect my baby and while I may have believed it failed me, that didn't make me a failure as a mother. I needed that. I SO needed that!
The support she gave me restored my confidence as a mother and has allowed me to grow to be the best mother I could be for my son. There is no greater feeling, and no award great enough to repay her.